Today, out of nowhere, I had the worst anxiety attack. Even though I have had these many times before they are always able to sneak up on me. I am even surprised when they happen and then respond in the best possible way by scaring the crap out of myself.
It’s like my brain goes, “hmmmm, I wonder what could make this anxiety attack better? How about we just freak the fuck out. Yeah, yeah that’s good!”
EVERY DAMN TIME!
I am very lucky in the fact that I have an amazing hubby who helps me through these horrific incidents, but I would love to hear how you guys handle severe anxiety.
Hey y’all I hope you are having a good night, I am having a rough night because I am currently going through withdrawal.
As I sit here watching my favorite binge worthy TV, Lt. Joe Kenda aka Homicide Hunter from Investigation Discovery, I thought about how you all don’t really know my story. What brought me here, to create this website, to try and help those who suffer from anxiety, depression, chronic pain, chronic illness or someone who just needs to smile. So here it is:
Five years ago my back went out, now I could go on and on about how horrific this was, but honestly it was only the beginning. Basically I was in a ton of pain and my lowest spinal disc had collapsed. Due to my young age it took the doctors over eight months to finally decide to do surgery. I had major back surgery at the age of 29, my L-5, S-1 are now fused together.
Since then I have had the following to treat the nerve damage and scar tissue that remains in my spine, as well as severe bursitis in both hips:
- Three different rounds of Physical Therapy
- Over 40 epidural injections
- Two hip injections
- Two nerve burnings
- 2nd Back Surgery: Spinal Cord Stimulator
- 4 different opioids to treat the constant pain
- Lidoderm Patches
- Lidocaine cream
I could go on. The thing is that my entire life was taken from me. When my back first went out I was in the middle of nursing school, about to get married and had the entire world at my feet. Pain took nursing school from me and due to the stress that nursing would put on my spine I had to give up my dream of finishing, with only one year left. BUT…..I never gave up…..I had to keep fighting.
In December of 2015 my pain doctor at the time told me that I should get a morphine pump and I said, “NO!” I knew, as any chronic pain patient would, that a morphine pump was the end, no getting better, no moving forward. I was 32 and I wasn’t ready to give up. So I looked for a new doctor, someone who might actually care about me, who might actually try to make me better and thank God I found one. He tried shots and procedures no one else thought of and he gave me my life back.
Yes, I will always have pain and I will always live with restrictions but I today was the first day in four years where I did NOT take a pain pill. NOT because pain medications are bad or did not help my pain but because my pain is finally manageable without the need for pain meds. I am a lucky one, there are so many people out there, so many CHRONIC PAIN WARRIORS who aren’t able to go off their meds because they need them to be able to function, to be able to work, to be there for their kids.
Since I was able to find a way to reduce my pain today I took my last Norco. Is it scary? Yes, sometimes I am terrified the pain will return and I will have no defenses, but then I look back at how far I have come. A year ago I could barely get out of bed, in constant agonizing pain, depressed, anxious and constantly feeling so useless. Today I can sit on my couch and watch tv, I can go for short walks, and I can sit in a car and not cry from pain. It is a constant journey and today I look back and think, “look how far I have come!”
P.S. Never Give Up!!
Hey everyone, as someone who constantly has to battle depression and anxiety I thought I’d share something that cheers me up. I have been having a rough couple days so I grabbed my phone and opened The YouTube and went straight to Rosanna Pansino’s page because she is the happiest, sweetest and funniest person I can think of. So here you go, here’s a think to one of her funny “challenge” videos. It made me smile and giggle. If you’re having a rough day, week, month or year I hope this helps and remember that you are not alone!
So today The Hubs and I rescued a little black kitten! We named her Minerva after Professor McGonagall from Harry Potter. Honestly if you don’t know who she is then…well then I don’t really know where you’ve been for the past couple decades. Seriously, read something!
Any who…here’s our new kitty! Let me know about your furbabies below!
P. S. I know she looks like she’s glaring but that’s just her face, ok?!
P. P. S. She’s really sweet and so far all the other furbabies love her (four dogs)! Will keep you updated.
Ok everyone here are the five things that I found this past week on The Interwebz that I absolutely love or think are absolutely ridiculous, enjoy.
HERE WE GO:
- Ok so the first thing, technically, isn’t really a website but it is awesome and you should totally check it out. It is a podcast called My Perfect Murder, that my friend Jessy told me about. It is not only about true crime, which is freaking terrific, but it is also funny! So I have left the link to listen to it through iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/my-favorite-murder-karen-kilgariff/id1074507850?mt=2
- This one is a youtube channel that you have to follow, its called Threadbanger (link below). They are two great shows on this page called Man vs. Pin and Corrine Vs. Pin and they are AMAZE-BALLS!! I am totally addicted and, again, I have to thank Jessy! She knows all the cool things. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBMxQPhfM6nkhQ8vPfQhkCg
- This next one is one of my favorite websites, its called Atlasobscura.com. It is about all the amazingly weird places you can travel all over the world. They also have really interesting articles about different travel locales. Check it out, it will suck you in F-O-R-E-V-E-R!
- Ok if you haven’t heard of this next lady then you will most likely need to get out a bit more, just a bit, don’t freak. The lady I am referring to is the one and only The Bloggess. She is funny, smart and discusses mental illness in a way that makes all of us who suffer from anxiety and/or depression feel less alone and a little less crazy. She has also written two amazing books, if you like her blog then I highly recommend both of them.
- As a chronic pain warrior I am constantly looking for awesome websites for spoonies and I recently found this awesome one (below). If you are a chronic pain or chronic illness warrior then check this awesome website. http://www.chronically-awesome.com
Please let me know if you like any of the links or if you have some awesome sites on the Interwebz you think people should check out.
This is a site for people who have been called the following:
- A Person Who Walks to The Beat of a Different Drummer (I get this one a lot), I have decided that it is the greatest compliment ever
- A Free Spirit, this is one of the nicest, I think
- An Eccentric
- Broccoli – JK wanted to see if you made it all the way down here, see I AM Unconventional and all of the above! The best people are!